The Pencil

A boy was watching his grandmother write a letter. At one point he asked:

‘Are you writing a story about what we’ve done? Is it a story about me?’
His grandmother stopped writing her letter and said to her grandson:
I am writing about you, actually, but more important than the words is the pencil I’m using. I hope you will be like this pencil when you grow up.’

Intrigued, the boy looked at the pencil. It didn’t seem very special.
‘But it’s just like any other pencil I’ve ever seen!’

‘That depends on how you look at things. It has five qualities which, if you manage to hang on them, will make you a person who is always at peace with the world.’

‘First quality: you are capable of great things, but you must never forget that there is a hand guiding your steps. We call that hand God, and He always guides us according to His will.’
‘Second quality: now and then, I have to stop writing and use a sharpner. That makes the pencil suffer a little, but afterwards, he’s much sharper. So you, too, must learn to bear certain pains and sorrows, because they will make you a better person.
‘Third quality: the pencil always allows us to use an eraser to rub out any mistakes. This means that correcting something we did is not necessarily a bad thing; it helps to keep us on the road to justice.’
‘Fourth quality: what really matters in a pencil is not its wooden exterior, but the graphite inside. So always pay attention to what is happening inside you.’
‘Finally, the pencil’s fifth quality: it always leaves a mark. in just the same way, you should know that everything you do in life will leave a mark, so try to be conscious of that in your every action’

-Paulo Coelho-

I don't understand why you insist that we both continue to haunt each other.

Beautiful

Why are you so beautiful? You make me so unsure; you reduce me to a little child. Those words of yours add a whole new dimension to you which never ceases to amaze me...

Deep down, I know I fear that I'm not worthy of you.

I really wanted to say that? Did I? that last bit there? at that point I felt that I really had to let it out of me, that I really had to let you know. But normally, the feeling is not there... WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHY am i so screwed up.

Comments on the previous post

LOL it's pretty damn interesting how the most important part of that post came out only so little at the end. So similar to how conversations normally develop. I need to learn to cut the crap too. And make others cut the crap as well. xD (or just cut it for them HAHA)

Driving lesson #2

Oorah? I guess its supposed to be all exciting (my first 2 driving lessons) but no... I just feel like sleeping... and driving is really no big deal. It's pretty damn stressful actually, especially since my dad forced me to drive a manual transmission and I keep killing the engine (gosh i suck) I managed to kill the engine while executing a climbing curve: I just died right in the middle of the road. EPIC FAIL. Ignoring all my failures and all, I do agree with dad that driving in Indonesia is pretty damn hardcore. Motorcycles racing around you left right center. No lanes on the road. Humps and potholes all over. Hawkers walking around the road with wares and all. Man, can't believe you're allowed to drive in Indo with a Singapore license yet not the other way round XD Indonesia should be like the standard of driving for an international license! Like I have driven through the streets of hell so suck all! But I guess it doesn't work that way. I guess places like Brazil and Mexico would be worst/comparable eh?

Got a rundown of the family financial situation... Not too sad as I previously thought, but pretty damn sad too... Really must thank Susuk for tanking so much for my dad ohhwell... HAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII...

Am supposed to be doing work for ARP offsite and all but as I knew would happen, nothing ever get's done when I'm so farrrr awayyyy... At least I keep tabs on the results of our daily lab results! THANK YOU LIKE CRAZY CLAIRE CHEONG! Have no clue how DCARP is... Been trying to learn up a bit online about Maxwell Equations but I can't freaking understand the integral forms... what bloody line integral of E field across an area?!!! I need ricardo damn.

Candlelight Carol parts singing is not too bad... I'm familiar with it but I need more practice before the first Christmas Choir Prac... My first official job as Bass Section Leader (can't screw it up)... It's really pathetic that I'm Bass SL, Jo can't read scores, and all the other basses are... jokers... Not that it's bad but... HAI... I'm like not the man for the job, but I'm the best choice left meehhhhh....

It's pretty funny how the incentive now for me to post on my blog is you and not you... Lol HAHA how is that supposed to sound? My lower right back still hurts... Dad thinks that swimming would help it but who knows. I got to eat my pudding! got 10 freaking puddings to eat 'cos I just decided to order one of each flavour to try! I think I should head down now after this post to eat... Then maybe i'll head over for a swim... WHY DO MY COUSINS HAVE SO MANY INSTRUMENTS! 2 guitars which are barely played, a super nice keyboard which is also barely played and I DUNNO WHAT ELSE THEY HAVE! William just pulled out a melodica randomly! I wanna play Siempre on it! It sounds so goooddddd although it's some kiddies version it still sounds so sexxxyyyyyyyy OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG.

How do I feel?

Very emotionless, very neutral and all. I guess I'm not working much with my emotions. You need to force me. Or maybe I can get Nic to force me... But Nic is all busy with his social life and all now... bleargh... can't wait to be back in Singapore, productivity in terms of everything is bound to increase... I feel so horrible, no self-discipline to push myself to work when I'm in such a comfortable position... Mehhhhhhh... It feels so different now, and I guess I'm afraid that's something wrong, I don't feel what I think I should be feeling about you (double meaning woah!) and I don't know why as well for both... Internet in Kintamani is not too bad... But somehow it seems that it hates Blogger. Or specifically the editting of Blogger (which includes writing a post) I stared at this screen for like 5 minutes before I could start typing OMG. That's why I'm trying to get as much down as possible on this today...

Ama needs an angioplasty but she doesn't want to do... And I really dunno. If she doesnt do it, it's dangerous and all... But if she does it, it's dangerous too, and she won't be able to go US with my cousins... maybe that is better for her? (to think about it... going to US with the blocked artery is damn dangerous...) Dad wants me to try to convince her to go for the surgery ASAP but it's like... Hai, how do I even talk to her about this kind of stuff? Language and culture epic barrier... How do I feel about this? Frankly speaking I don't care. Yea, that hurts doesn't it? I don't really care about when she does the Angio. Or at least that what I feel! Not much feeling in regards to this, or they are all bottled up. I need to pray and spend so much time for myself... Something I've been preaching but not doing much, eh? Haha... Please, help me with this when you're back, it's something I don't want to admit, but my lack of self-discipline is so urggghhh... Let's grow together, shall we? xD

What's a bit worrying is life in the future... Assuming I go for NTU Renaissance Engineering Program, that would mean I would leave Uni at 25... And I want kids before 28 (Damn), I dunno, it's like a very big benchmark for me, it sounds so trivial but to me, it is really important! I want to be relatively young when my kids are my age and all... I hope to be able to relate to them and have a solid relationship with them and all... Don't want to be brought down by illnesses and body breaking down effect so early in my children's life... Wanna play sports nicely with my kids HAHA (Dad can't play tennis much with me le, cos of his back SIAN) So I guess that's how my life will go... I really got to be able to succeed in life by 28 to get married and all in Singapore... Or maybe I have to work in Indo instead... It's really tempting and all... Working for my dad, (now that it seems there's quite a few things to do around here) but still... It's not what I want to do, but it is the nearest and most obvious mean to the goal of having kids by 28 and being able to decently support them... And I wouldn't at all be using anything I learn at REP. At least not much... AND I NEED A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE (DAMN).

I wanna know you more. So much more. There's so much emptiness between us. Yea, I don't feel much when we text and all. When we were together, I've been trying to fill that emptiness with physical intimacy cos we didn't have much time together all these while... And you're not easy to talk to too. ALL OVER AGAIN OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG. And really, if you want to know how I feel God's letting me grow through you, I think that you would provide opportunities for me practice my self-control, my patience, the Finnish understanding (dunnid to talk much but will know what is happening)... And it really feels like a repeat, but here's the million dollar question: Is it supposed to be that way? Or am I making it seem that way because of my past mistake? I'm sorry, I feel very sorry for you. As much as I can feel sorry for anyone in my current state of mind/heart.

Plans for 2013

Alright people! 2012 ain't over yet, but here is the plan for 2013! I just really feel like putting next year into perspective 'cos next year is gonna be sooooooooo crazily filled with opportunities and time!

Commitments	Wanna-dos	Wanna learns
Tennis	The Green Plan!!!! (SDYC??)	Piano!
SSEF	Spend more time with Church Friends	Singing! (everyone can sing, I just wanna learn to sing better)
Research (if we choose to continue)	Spend quality time with school friends too!	Spanish
Physics Interest Group (Since it is my last year, might as well do something good about it)		Jap/Chinese???
House??? ( not sure man…)
Choir
Family!!!!

Anything missing?

La Danza de Fuego

Cuanto más he de esperar Cuánto más he de buscar Para poder encontrar La luz que sé que hay en mí He vivido en soledad Rodeado de multitud Nunca he conseguido amar Pues no me quiero ni yo Cuando veas una estrella fugaz Guárdala en tu corazón Es el alma de alguien que consiguió Dar a los suyos su amor Cuando oigas a un niño preguntar Por qué el sol viene y se va Dile: porque en esta vida no hay Luz sin oscuridad Si eres capaz de devolver Con una sonrisa una traición Si eres capaz de dar tu mano a quien Con la suya te señaló No eches raíces en un sitio, muévete Pues no eres un árbol, para eso tienes dos pies El hombre más sabio es el que sabe que su hogar Es tan grande como pueda imaginar Cuando veas una estrella fugaz Guárdala en tu corazón Es el alma de alguien que consiguió Dar a los suyos su amor Cuando oigas a un niño preguntar Por qué el sol viene y se va Dile: porque en esta vida no hay Luz sin oscuridad El mejor día es en el que el alma Tiene hambre y sed No olvides lo aprendido No dejes de comprender Rodéate de buenos Y tú lo parecerás Rodéate de sabios Y algo en ti se quedará El mejor día es en el que el alma Tiene hambre y sed No olvides lo aprendido No dejes de comprender Rodéate de buenos Y tú lo parecerás Cuando veas una estrella fugaz Guárdala en tu corazón Es el alma de alguien que consiguió Dar a los suyos su amor Cuando oigas a un niño preguntar Por qué el sol viene y se va Dile: porque en esta vida no hay Luz sin oscuridad Cuando veas una estrella fugaz Guárdala en tu corazón Es el alma de alguien que consiguió Dar a los suyos su amor Cuando oigas a un niño preguntar Por qué el sol viene y se va Dile: porque en esta vida no hay Luz sin oscuridad Yay! no, no hay bien sin mal, luz sin oscuridad.

The more I wait The more I look In order to find The light in me I lived in solitude Surrounded by crowd I can never love Well I do not even want me When you see a shooting star Keep it in your heart It is the soul of someone who got Give your love theirs When you hear a child ask Why the sun comes and goes Say, because in this life there Light without darkness If you are able to return With a smile a betrayal If you can give your hand to whom With it you said Do not throw roots in a place, move Well, you're not a tree, for that you have two feet The wisest man is he who knows home It's as big as you can imagine When you see a shooting star Keep it in your heart It is the soul of someone who got Give your love theirs When you hear a child ask Why the sun comes and goes Say, because in this life there Light without darkness The best day is when the soul Hunger and thirst Do not forget what they learned Be sure to understand Surround yourself with good And you look like Surround yourself with wise And some of you will stay The best day is when the soul Hunger and thirst Do not forget what they learned Be sure to understand Surround yourself with good And you look like When you see a shooting star Keep it in your heart It is the soul of someone who got Give your love theirs When you hear a child ask Why the sun comes and goes Say, because in this life there Light without darkness When you see a shooting star Keep it in your heart It is the soul of someone who got Give your love theirs When you hear a child ask Why the sun comes and goes Say, because in this life there Light without darkness Yay! no, no good without evil, light without darkness.

Emotionally immature

I guess I still got a long way to go... Did some pretty silly things, which just ended up confusing me... Are they related? Are they not? Would an opposite reaction have been affected by it? Pretty emotionally unaware still mehhhh.

I guess I made myself look like a fool. The entire of last night. But ohh well, time to move on. I should talk to him, if I get the chance.

Superman (lyrics edit)

Female:
I can't stand when you fly (Yes, I know right, it's kinda lame: this is actually the change which inspired this whole thing)
I'm not that naive
I'm just out to find
The better part of me 

(The last 2 stanzas could be sung by Male or Both, I guess. It makes sense that way too... Just seems a bit weird cutting the female voice off just as it was introduced after 2 lines, I guess) (since when was I so affected by the musicality of songs? :O )

Male:
I'm more than a bird
I'm more than a plane
I'm more than some pretty face beside a train (Female? Both?)

Together:
It's not easy to be me 

Male (Or Both!) :
I wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
'bout a home I'll never see 

Female:
It may sound absurd, but don't be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed, but won't you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream


Together:
It's not easy to be me 

Female:
Up, up and away, away from me


Male:
Well, it's all right: you can all sleep sound tonight
I'm not crazy, or anything

Male:
I can't stand to fly


Together:
I'm not that naive
Men weren't meant to ride
With clouds between their knees 

Together:
I'm (You're) only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me (inside of me...)

Together:
It's not easy to be me.

I dunno. LOL never had Superman struck me this way before... But I guess... The lyrics are already so apt. Just a change in perspective, add in a new dimension to it, and now it's like a beautiful conversation of sorts... Sigh... it's so nice...

Bundaburg (I didn't know what to title this at first)

Well...

Something interesting happened of sorts in my head. Just woke up in the dead early morning of the day like I used to do very often... Got to the pantry and found that someone stole my drink (Bundaburg Ginger Beer). Man, I was so pissed.

I wanted to get a sticky note and paste it on the remaining bottles warning others to F*** off my drinks... but   as I headed back... Something struck me... Not too sure how to describe it, but it was a more or less "are you sure what you are doing is right?" kinda feeling. Than, I stopped to think... It's obviously not right, it was a very selfish action I was about to do... And it got me thinking, was it the fact that the drink was taken, or the fact that it was taken without my permission?

Well, now, a sticky note is on the remaining bottles, writing "tell me if you take a bottle"...

And, on a separate note... I got a surprising email and a text... and... I feel a bit... over-thanked for... But the man-ego in me is obviously happy xD