Driving lesson #2

Oorah? I guess its supposed to be all exciting (my first 2 driving lessons) but no... I just feel like sleeping... and driving is really no big deal. It's pretty damn stressful actually, especially since my dad forced me to drive a manual transmission and I keep killing the engine (gosh i suck) I managed to kill the engine while executing a climbing curve: I just died right in the middle of the road. EPIC FAIL. Ignoring all my failures and all, I do agree with dad that driving in Indonesia is pretty damn hardcore. Motorcycles racing around you left right center. No lanes on the road. Humps and potholes all over. Hawkers walking around the road with wares and all. Man, can't believe you're allowed to drive in Indo with a Singapore license yet not the other way round XD Indonesia should be like the standard of driving for an international license! Like I have driven through the streets of hell so suck all! But I guess it doesn't work that way. I guess places like Brazil and Mexico would be worst/comparable eh?

Got a rundown of the family financial situation... Not too sad as I previously thought, but pretty damn sad too... Really must thank Susuk for tanking so much for my dad ohhwell... HAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII...

Am supposed to be doing work for ARP offsite and all but as I knew would happen, nothing ever get's done when I'm so farrrr awayyyy... At least I keep tabs on the results of our daily lab results! THANK YOU LIKE CRAZY CLAIRE CHEONG! Have no clue how DCARP is... Been trying to learn up a bit online about Maxwell Equations but I can't freaking understand the integral forms... what bloody line integral of E field across an area?!!! I need ricardo damn.

Candlelight Carol parts singing is not too bad... I'm familiar with it but I need more practice before the first Christmas Choir Prac... My first official job as Bass Section Leader (can't screw it up)... It's really pathetic that I'm Bass SL, Jo can't read scores, and all the other basses are... jokers... Not that it's bad but... HAI... I'm like not the man for the job, but I'm the best choice left meehhhhh....

It's pretty funny how the incentive now for me to post on my blog is you and not you... Lol HAHA how is that supposed to sound? My lower right back still hurts... Dad thinks that swimming would help it but who knows. I got to eat my pudding! got 10 freaking puddings to eat 'cos I just decided to order one of each flavour to try! I think I should head down now after this post to eat... Then maybe i'll head over for a swim... WHY DO MY COUSINS HAVE SO MANY INSTRUMENTS! 2 guitars which are barely played, a super nice keyboard which is also barely played and I DUNNO WHAT ELSE THEY HAVE! William just pulled out a melodica randomly! I wanna play Siempre on it! It sounds so goooddddd although it's some kiddies version it still sounds so sexxxyyyyyyyy OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG.

How do I feel?

Very emotionless, very neutral and all. I guess I'm not working much with my emotions. You need to force me. Or maybe I can get Nic to force me... But Nic is all busy with his social life and all now... bleargh... can't wait to be back in Singapore, productivity in terms of everything is bound to increase... I feel so horrible, no self-discipline to push myself to work when I'm in such a comfortable position... Mehhhhhhh... It feels so different now, and I guess I'm afraid that's something wrong, I don't feel what I think I should be feeling about you (double meaning woah!) and I don't know why as well for both... Internet in Kintamani is not too bad... But somehow it seems that it hates Blogger. Or specifically the editting of Blogger (which includes writing a post) I stared at this screen for like 5 minutes before I could start typing OMG. That's why I'm trying to get as much down as possible on this today...

Ama needs an angioplasty but she doesn't want to do... And I really dunno. If she doesnt do it, it's dangerous and all... But if she does it, it's dangerous too, and she won't be able to go US with my cousins... maybe that is better for her? (to think about it... going to US with the blocked artery is damn dangerous...) Dad wants me to try to convince her to go for the surgery ASAP but it's like... Hai, how do I even talk to her about this kind of stuff? Language and culture epic barrier... How do I feel about this? Frankly speaking I don't care. Yea, that hurts doesn't it? I don't really care about when she does the Angio. Or at least that what I feel! Not much feeling in regards to this, or they are all bottled up. I need to pray and spend so much time for myself... Something I've been preaching but not doing much, eh? Haha... Please, help me with this when you're back, it's something I don't want to admit, but my lack of self-discipline is so urggghhh... Let's grow together, shall we? xD

What's a bit worrying is life in the future... Assuming I go for NTU Renaissance Engineering Program, that would mean I would leave Uni at 25... And I want kids before 28 (Damn), I dunno, it's like a very big benchmark for me, it sounds so trivial but to me, it is really important! I want to be relatively young when my kids are my age and all... I hope to be able to relate to them and have a solid relationship with them and all... Don't want to be brought down by illnesses and body breaking down effect so early in my children's life... Wanna play sports nicely with my kids HAHA (Dad can't play tennis much with me le, cos of his back SIAN) So I guess that's how my life will go... I really got to be able to succeed in life by 28 to get married and all in Singapore... Or maybe I have to work in Indo instead... It's really tempting and all... Working for my dad, (now that it seems there's quite a few things to do around here) but still... It's not what I want to do, but it is the nearest and most obvious mean to the goal of having kids by 28 and being able to decently support them... And I wouldn't at all be using anything I learn at REP. At least not much... AND I NEED A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE (DAMN).

I wanna know you more. So much more. There's so much emptiness between us. Yea, I don't feel much when we text and all. When we were together, I've been trying to fill that emptiness with physical intimacy cos we didn't have much time together all these while... And you're not easy to talk to too. ALL OVER AGAIN OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG. And really, if you want to know how I feel God's letting me grow through you, I think that you would provide opportunities for me practice my self-control, my patience, the Finnish understanding (dunnid to talk much but will know what is happening)... And it really feels like a repeat, but here's the million dollar question: Is it supposed to be that way? Or am I making it seem that way because of my past mistake? I'm sorry, I feel very sorry for you. As much as I can feel sorry for anyone in my current state of mind/heart.