I've lost. I'd lost. For the past 2 days, I've been addicted to gaming. With no one to stop me, nothing to hold me back. 2 meals I had in the past 2 days, more than 40 hours spent on the computer in the past 2 days. My dignity lost in the past 2 days. Dangerous, terribly dangerous. Yet so easy, such a slippery slope to fall down. I had expected not being able to get my head out of it, I'd expected to waste today as well, but that's the interesting part. I won't.
I woke up today (just half an hour ago) feeling entirely usual: I could have just gone back into gaming. But no, something told me, from in me, that I had to stop. It's nothing strong, nothing pushing. There wasn't (isn't) even any emotion attached to it. No great rousing desire, no terrible frustration and pain. But just something to tell me to stop. Hell, what is this? I'd never believe I could do this; to pick myself up in such calmness. I'd thought it would be a full-scale drama, with crying and screaming in the dark. But no.
Maybe it's because my time is up (!). Haha that sounds really ominous eh? Well, I have work starting tomorrow, and I have shit to clean at home. So maybe it isn't terribly surprising that I'm subconsciously telling myself to get up and do what I need to. Effectively, I've ran out of time to waste. If this is the case, at least I'm happy that my body and mind can still do what it must (in the most rock bottom sense, as seen in the past 2 days and today as well), when it must.
One might have called me lazy, or maybe immature (yes you xD), but I'd like to call myself broken. I'd wanted to blog the above line yesterday, but couldn't give a damn and chose to attack Rome and Britannia instead xD But what I meant to post yesterday about "why?" is something I can't fully explain now, so I'd instead talk about it's benefits. I can hear the voices of the broken around me. It's a terrible gift, I feel. Being weak myself, I can empathize with the weak around me. That's really everything I have now. God, if you are out there, you've forced me to trade my pride, anger and hatred for empathy. It hurts, bro. But, I'd never want to return to who I was. So thank you. Thank You, all of you who had to be hurt for me to grow. And sorry. I'm Sorry that I had hurt You. Some wounds can never be healed, but I guess these wounds are the ones which will take you forever in life. I guess some lessons must be learnt by hard. BUT REALLY? I'd rather not have hurt you (gosh, there's quite a lot of frustration I sense in me when I broach this topic :/)
Any way, pros of what happened the past 2 days? I'd learnt how easy it is for a man to let himself slip away. Losing himself, losing everything around him. Now, it ain't merely words, I have an experience. May I take this experience and live life a better person.
I can not believe that I had never wasted my life away so much for such a long time. I'd never had the opportunity to just be all unproductive for such a long period of time. Well, now I did, and I don't see myself having another opportunity soon. That's kinda good, for I still don't trust myself.
P.S. I wanted to make a reference to Shingeki No Kyojin in this post, but the prose didn't give way for it to come. Well, so I shall include it in the Post Script. Well, while it's all fictional, all the drama and action, I'm pretty damn sure that when shit falls on humanity, there will be those who choose to fight, and those who would, naturally, back down and hide. Well, I want to be among those who fight. So I'd got to work my discipline and courage. For being, and knowing the weak, is a gracious gift to be brought to those who fight and win, and I should, in all my capacity, share my empathy with the winners in the world.
P.P.S. I've been avoiding thinking about Year 5 and 6 (especially when Rome Total Warring), so I can't make that post just yet. I shall soon, though! :)
... Scoffs at my hopes, there could be a million things which may happen which may interrupt this desire of mine.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Friday, January 3, 2014
Alone on the bus
Had a wonderful and sweet meal with my cousins (and uncle and auntie) after work this evening. It was really great food, but even greater company haha :) My cousins are so adorable,
Yemerej is still pretty show off and crazy about cars and planes and technology, but I begin to sense a wandering in him; he is looking for something more. About time too, 16-17 years old now. Maybe I'll be able to be build an authentic relationship with him soon. He ain't really authentic with me now ;( but it's alright! We'll see what time can do.
Shaun... is the same, he's much more lonesome now, much less seldom interacting/rupting. Which I honestly don't know what to feel about. I hope that he'll be alright...
Eldon is cuteeee HAHA he's pretty show off too, still struggling with eating his food, but will always finish it up when forced, he's really easily pleased and happy, talkative (much more than Yemerej, who is beginning to talk less) and adorable, he ain't so fat anymore. But that's good HAHA he looked weird in his fat stage.
Ian! Haha he is pretty cute too! Much less cold than before. I can't believe it, he was so act cool on the previous few occasions we met! What did Aussie Education do to my couzzzs!!! It's really cute the way it was, but he's much more endearing now haha, he's willing to spend time to converse and play with me! (awwww xD)
I wonder how we'll all be when we grow up... I do hope we'll be able to talk and chill with each other then :) Drink alcohol at a bar or something when we're ALL of legal age HAHA. I wonder how they'll be among each other when they grow up, 4 brothers with the age gaps of 1-2-3 years respectively! (kuku and akim planned their kids well xD)
I see a lot of Mum in kuku ahui, the way he teaches his kids, through threatening punishments, rules and insults. Runs in the family I guess, I wonder how'll these boys will turn out...
I really enjoyed my time with the kids, putting a bit more of myself into family (albeit extended one) certainly makes the time spent much more enjoyable. Of course, it ain't just me, the kids themselves too are quite receptive. :) Being retarded and waving to them while they were on the shuttle back to their hotel was quite cool :) I enjoyed waving and sending them kisses HAHA, while I may have started to try to display affection consciously at the start, it became really natural towards the end :) I don't know if the kids sensed anything different, what I do know is that I feel so much more satisfied and happier with meeting them this trip round. Sending them off tomorrow...
NOW... (to the key story DUMDUMDUMMMM) Alone on the bus back home, with all these cuddly feelings of family and being really tired from sleeping late playing Total War and working and all, I wanted to take a nap on the bus.
Sitting next to me was an Indian office worker who originally sat resting his right leg on his left (which made it difficult for me to sit). I sat next to him anyway, and he promptly put his leg down. Being all happy and affectionate (like I normally am HAHA), I'd quickly thanked him and smiled haha... As we went down Orchard Boulevard, A wave of sleepiness struck BUT I knew. I knew if I'd let the sleep come, I'd risk missing my bus stop which would be terribly irritating.
So I thought of maybe asking the gentleman next to me when he would get off! If he was getting off near to my stop but before it, his leaving would awaken me. If he got off after me, he could wake me up if I wasn't up on time HAHA.
A really good idea! "Sir, may I know when you are getting off? You see, I wanna take a nap and I don't wanna miss my stop."
Haha, he smiled back and replied telling me botanic gardens station, (which was really great!). I promptly thanked him and attempted to enter lalaland.
BUT NOOOO! The connection between the stranger and I was too strong and sweet, our short conversation, despite being, well, short was wonderfully filled with smiles and happiness and I couldn't sleep afterwards HAHA
I then offered if he wanted to play Ultimate-Tic-Tac-Toe on my phone! Which he responded to rather pleasantly surprised! (It was really easy to talk to him for he was neither listening to music, nor staring at some book/tablet) I taught him how to play and we had a short game! He picked up real quick HAHA :)
He then asked me, "Do you normally talk to strangers and play handphone games with them?" to which I replied, "No. This is my first time, but I'd like to do so more often."
He laughed :)
He then asked me for my name, to which I replied "I'm the stranger on the bus sitting next to you". He looked at me with a puzzled and curious look. I continued "Why would you need to make me special in your memory by knowing what others call me? I'd rather you remember me merely as a stranger on the bus, such that in the future, you may show such trust and love to other strangers who sit next to you. For this relationship is not meant to be between you and I, but between strangers who are willing to open up to others around them.
His gaze turned pensive, "But what if others, next time, fail to react positively to my openness?"
I replied "Well, then, you'll have this wonderful first memory connecting with a stranger, and I hope it gives you the courage to try again."
"Alright, then." he replied with a profound smile. We'd then reach botanic gardens, and off he goes, a different man, and me, a different boy.
A few of the passengers around us saw the entire episode and heard our conversation, I hope the loves spreads, and may Singaporeans begin to live their lives to the fullest, connecting with the souls of fellow humans along their journey.
I sighed. He left, and I didn't dare to take the chance to open to him, except in my day dreams.
Nevertheless, let me remember this day dream of mine, and may I have the courage to open up to strangers, to touch their lives and let them touch my heart in return.
P.S. Year 5 and 6 recollection has not been done yet... Maybe I'll do it tomorrow night.
P.P.S. Upon my sister's return home, she began ranting about me not lending her my alarm clock (which she had held to her heart the ENTIRE day she was out [my heart wrenches for her heart]. And scolded me for multitudes of things, just like Mum would "Please la, I don't want you to send me tomorrow, just sweep the floor and I will be satisfied" "I don't need you to 关心我 just take care of the house can already" and more stuff along those lines. My heart was terribly hardened by the words she said (and more which I didn't post up here) and I really thought I couldn't write the beautiful story I wrote above. But taking a step back and talking about my cousins made my heart tender and open again and I managed to write the story I dreamed, albeit slightly different, for I could not pen down the actual daydream while I daydreamed, right? HAHA
Good night world. :) And may my heart be open tomorrow to receive happiness from the world, to be shared with my fellow men.
Yemerej is still pretty show off and crazy about cars and planes and technology, but I begin to sense a wandering in him; he is looking for something more. About time too, 16-17 years old now. Maybe I'll be able to be build an authentic relationship with him soon. He ain't really authentic with me now ;( but it's alright! We'll see what time can do.
Shaun... is the same, he's much more lonesome now, much less seldom interacting/rupting. Which I honestly don't know what to feel about. I hope that he'll be alright...
Eldon is cuteeee HAHA he's pretty show off too, still struggling with eating his food, but will always finish it up when forced, he's really easily pleased and happy, talkative (much more than Yemerej, who is beginning to talk less) and adorable, he ain't so fat anymore. But that's good HAHA he looked weird in his fat stage.
Ian! Haha he is pretty cute too! Much less cold than before. I can't believe it, he was so act cool on the previous few occasions we met! What did Aussie Education do to my couzzzs!!! It's really cute the way it was, but he's much more endearing now haha, he's willing to spend time to converse and play with me! (awwww xD)
I wonder how we'll all be when we grow up... I do hope we'll be able to talk and chill with each other then :) Drink alcohol at a bar or something when we're ALL of legal age HAHA. I wonder how they'll be among each other when they grow up, 4 brothers with the age gaps of 1-2-3 years respectively! (kuku and akim planned their kids well xD)
I see a lot of Mum in kuku ahui, the way he teaches his kids, through threatening punishments, rules and insults. Runs in the family I guess, I wonder how'll these boys will turn out...
I really enjoyed my time with the kids, putting a bit more of myself into family (albeit extended one) certainly makes the time spent much more enjoyable. Of course, it ain't just me, the kids themselves too are quite receptive. :) Being retarded and waving to them while they were on the shuttle back to their hotel was quite cool :) I enjoyed waving and sending them kisses HAHA, while I may have started to try to display affection consciously at the start, it became really natural towards the end :) I don't know if the kids sensed anything different, what I do know is that I feel so much more satisfied and happier with meeting them this trip round. Sending them off tomorrow...
NOW... (to the key story DUMDUMDUMMMM) Alone on the bus back home, with all these cuddly feelings of family and being really tired from sleeping late playing Total War and working and all, I wanted to take a nap on the bus.
Sitting next to me was an Indian office worker who originally sat resting his right leg on his left (which made it difficult for me to sit). I sat next to him anyway, and he promptly put his leg down. Being all happy and affectionate (like I normally am HAHA), I'd quickly thanked him and smiled haha... As we went down Orchard Boulevard, A wave of sleepiness struck BUT I knew. I knew if I'd let the sleep come, I'd risk missing my bus stop which would be terribly irritating.
So I thought of maybe asking the gentleman next to me when he would get off! If he was getting off near to my stop but before it, his leaving would awaken me. If he got off after me, he could wake me up if I wasn't up on time HAHA.
A really good idea! "Sir, may I know when you are getting off? You see, I wanna take a nap and I don't wanna miss my stop."
Haha, he smiled back and replied telling me botanic gardens station, (which was really great!). I promptly thanked him and attempted to enter lalaland.
BUT NOOOO! The connection between the stranger and I was too strong and sweet, our short conversation, despite being, well, short was wonderfully filled with smiles and happiness and I couldn't sleep afterwards HAHA
I then offered if he wanted to play Ultimate-Tic-Tac-Toe on my phone! Which he responded to rather pleasantly surprised! (It was really easy to talk to him for he was neither listening to music, nor staring at some book/tablet) I taught him how to play and we had a short game! He picked up real quick HAHA :)
He then asked me, "Do you normally talk to strangers and play handphone games with them?" to which I replied, "No. This is my first time, but I'd like to do so more often."
He laughed :)
He then asked me for my name, to which I replied "I'm the stranger on the bus sitting next to you". He looked at me with a puzzled and curious look. I continued "Why would you need to make me special in your memory by knowing what others call me? I'd rather you remember me merely as a stranger on the bus, such that in the future, you may show such trust and love to other strangers who sit next to you. For this relationship is not meant to be between you and I, but between strangers who are willing to open up to others around them.
His gaze turned pensive, "But what if others, next time, fail to react positively to my openness?"
I replied "Well, then, you'll have this wonderful first memory connecting with a stranger, and I hope it gives you the courage to try again."
"Alright, then." he replied with a profound smile. We'd then reach botanic gardens, and off he goes, a different man, and me, a different boy.
A few of the passengers around us saw the entire episode and heard our conversation, I hope the loves spreads, and may Singaporeans begin to live their lives to the fullest, connecting with the souls of fellow humans along their journey.
I sighed. He left, and I didn't dare to take the chance to open to him, except in my day dreams.
Nevertheless, let me remember this day dream of mine, and may I have the courage to open up to strangers, to touch their lives and let them touch my heart in return.
P.S. Year 5 and 6 recollection has not been done yet... Maybe I'll do it tomorrow night.
P.P.S. Upon my sister's return home, she began ranting about me not lending her my alarm clock (which she had held to her heart the ENTIRE day she was out [my heart wrenches for her heart]. And scolded me for multitudes of things, just like Mum would "Please la, I don't want you to send me tomorrow, just sweep the floor and I will be satisfied" "I don't need you to 关心我 just take care of the house can already" and more stuff along those lines. My heart was terribly hardened by the words she said (and more which I didn't post up here) and I really thought I couldn't write the beautiful story I wrote above. But taking a step back and talking about my cousins made my heart tender and open again and I managed to write the story I dreamed, albeit slightly different, for I could not pen down the actual daydream while I daydreamed, right? HAHA
Good night world. :) And may my heart be open tomorrow to receive happiness from the world, to be shared with my fellow men.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
New Year Ranter
Hello blog. It's been a while. A year's gone and pass and a new year dawns. The most different year I will ever face approaches. Yup, I'd compare this to going to school for the first time, except I can't remember how it was like to go to school for the first time anymore.
I've been wishing people to live fuller and love deeper this coming year, I guess that's my greatest hope for myself.
Let's talk about how I've grown so far in life:
I started in an environment of fear, frustration and pain. These 3 emotions branded itself over two-thirds of my life, and it certainly propelled me quite far ahead. Pride, that's another thing which drove me quite a lot in the 2nd third of my life (primary school); I'd compete and challenge others and myself.
Then comes secondary school, pain abruptly disappeared, fear and frustration remained, pride held on, despite being hugely outgunned by the new school environment (and ALL THE SMART ONES). A thought dashing through regarding this; I really believe I could have achieved "greatness" in ONE field if I have dedicated myself to it. But no, that didn't happen!
I'd instead tried to get involve in many activities around me, House, NE Ambassadors, Tennis. Why did I do that? I wonder what exactly went through my heart then, but here are some of the key reasons.
a) I wanna remain out of home as much as possible (these activities gave me excuses to stay out, which I readily used) for I still feared and resented (is this the right word) being at home.
b) I wanted more friends, more platforms to meet and get to know people!
c) I wanted to feel and look impressive (my dream of the perfect me, then, was someone who could do many things well, whom everyone was comfortable being with [thus resulting in me trying to talk to everyone, yet ultimately not being able to be close to anyone] and generally being the cool kid)
Now c) obviously failed heh.
And I got into a relationship. I got into a relationship because of b) and c). How bloody selfish of me. Did I really like her? No, I didn't really. I did feel she was kinda cute then. Really, in all honestly, I wanted to get to know her friends more actually. (How my heart turns and wrenches at this truth) I wanted to be the cool kid who had a girlfriendddddd haha stupid me.
Year 1 and 2 passed, and I was still a really promising student (in the eyes of the school), and I could still redeem myself socially if I pulled out of my little own world. BUT NO.
Year 3 and 4. life went on, failures began. and in the deepest core in me, everything more or less remained the same. I was introduced to God as Love, but was blind and couldn't see (feel). The girl I got with so I could be cool became the closest companion at that time. She was then the best companion I'd ever had, always calm and helpful, always being the polar opposite of me and bringing balance to my recklessness by holding me back. Where she lacked, I received from my other new companion, all those sweet lies I said to gain attention and love, to feed the inner demon in me which yearned for attention and intimacy. That was a great time for, I succeeded in academics, had a chance to pursue Olympiads, true that many leadership positions collapsed, but Tennis went on well and strong. I had a great companion who I could always rely on, my future was set. It really could have been.
But then I grew. Year 5 and 6 comes later.
I've been wishing people to live fuller and love deeper this coming year, I guess that's my greatest hope for myself.
Let's talk about how I've grown so far in life:
I started in an environment of fear, frustration and pain. These 3 emotions branded itself over two-thirds of my life, and it certainly propelled me quite far ahead. Pride, that's another thing which drove me quite a lot in the 2nd third of my life (primary school); I'd compete and challenge others and myself.
Then comes secondary school, pain abruptly disappeared, fear and frustration remained, pride held on, despite being hugely outgunned by the new school environment (and ALL THE SMART ONES). A thought dashing through regarding this; I really believe I could have achieved "greatness" in ONE field if I have dedicated myself to it. But no, that didn't happen!
I'd instead tried to get involve in many activities around me, House, NE Ambassadors, Tennis. Why did I do that? I wonder what exactly went through my heart then, but here are some of the key reasons.
a) I wanna remain out of home as much as possible (these activities gave me excuses to stay out, which I readily used) for I still feared and resented (is this the right word) being at home.
b) I wanted more friends, more platforms to meet and get to know people!
c) I wanted to feel and look impressive (my dream of the perfect me, then, was someone who could do many things well, whom everyone was comfortable being with [thus resulting in me trying to talk to everyone, yet ultimately not being able to be close to anyone] and generally being the cool kid)
Now c) obviously failed heh.
And I got into a relationship. I got into a relationship because of b) and c). How bloody selfish of me. Did I really like her? No, I didn't really. I did feel she was kinda cute then. Really, in all honestly, I wanted to get to know her friends more actually. (How my heart turns and wrenches at this truth) I wanted to be the cool kid who had a girlfriendddddd haha stupid me.
Year 1 and 2 passed, and I was still a really promising student (in the eyes of the school), and I could still redeem myself socially if I pulled out of my little own world. BUT NO.
Year 3 and 4. life went on, failures began. and in the deepest core in me, everything more or less remained the same. I was introduced to God as Love, but was blind and couldn't see (feel). The girl I got with so I could be cool became the closest companion at that time. She was then the best companion I'd ever had, always calm and helpful, always being the polar opposite of me and bringing balance to my recklessness by holding me back. Where she lacked, I received from my other new companion, all those sweet lies I said to gain attention and love, to feed the inner demon in me which yearned for attention and intimacy. That was a great time for, I succeeded in academics, had a chance to pursue Olympiads, true that many leadership positions collapsed, but Tennis went on well and strong. I had a great companion who I could always rely on, my future was set. It really could have been.
But then I grew. Year 5 and 6 comes later.
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