New Year Ranter

Hello blog. It's been a while. A year's gone and pass and a new year dawns. The most different year I will ever face approaches. Yup, I'd compare this to going to school for the first time, except I can't remember how it was like to go to school for the first time anymore.

I've been wishing people to live fuller and love deeper this coming year, I guess that's my greatest hope for myself.

Let's talk about how I've grown so far in life:

I started in an environment of fear, frustration and pain. These 3 emotions branded itself over two-thirds of my life, and it certainly propelled me quite far ahead. Pride, that's another thing which drove me quite a lot in the 2nd third of my life (primary school); I'd compete and challenge others and myself.

Then comes secondary school, pain abruptly disappeared, fear and frustration remained, pride held on, despite being hugely outgunned by the new school environment (and ALL THE SMART ONES). A thought dashing through regarding this; I really believe I could have achieved "greatness" in ONE field if I have dedicated myself to it. But no, that didn't happen!

I'd instead tried to get involve in many activities around me, House, NE Ambassadors, Tennis. Why did I do that? I wonder what exactly went through my heart then, but here are some of the key reasons.

a) I wanna remain out of home as much as possible (these activities gave me excuses to stay out, which I readily used) for I still feared and resented (is this the right word) being at home.

b) I wanted more friends, more platforms to meet and get to know people!

c) I wanted to feel and look impressive (my dream of the perfect me, then, was someone who could do many things well, whom everyone was comfortable being with [thus resulting in me trying to talk to everyone, yet ultimately not being able to be close to anyone] and generally being the cool kid)

Now c) obviously failed heh.

And I got into a relationship. I got into a relationship because of b) and c). How bloody selfish of me. Did I really like her? No, I didn't really. I did feel she was kinda cute then. Really, in all honestly, I wanted to get to know her friends more actually. (How my heart turns and wrenches at this truth) I wanted to be the cool kid who had a girlfriendddddd haha stupid me.

Year 1 and 2 passed, and I was still a really promising student (in the eyes of the school), and I could still redeem myself socially if I pulled out of my little own world. BUT NO.

Year 3 and 4. life went on, failures began. and in the deepest core in me, everything more or less remained the same. I was introduced to God as Love, but was blind and couldn't see (feel). The girl I got with so I could be cool became the closest companion at that time. She was then the best companion I'd ever had, always calm and helpful, always being the polar opposite of me and bringing balance to my recklessness by holding me back. Where she lacked, I received from my other new companion, all those sweet lies I said to gain attention and love, to feed the inner demon in me which yearned for attention and intimacy. That was a great time for, I succeeded in academics, had a chance to pursue Olympiads, true that many leadership positions collapsed, but Tennis went on well and strong. I had a great companion who I could always rely on, my future was set. It really could have been.

But then I grew. Year 5 and 6 comes later.