To Pick Up the Pieces of My Dignity

I've lost. I'd lost. For the past 2 days, I've been addicted to gaming. With no one to stop me, nothing to hold me back. 2 meals I had in the past 2 days, more than 40 hours spent on the computer in the past 2 days. My dignity lost in the past 2 days. Dangerous, terribly dangerous. Yet so easy, such a slippery slope to fall down. I had expected not being able to get my head out of it, I'd expected to waste today as well, but that's the interesting part. I won't.

I woke up today (just half an hour ago) feeling entirely usual: I could have just gone back into gaming. But no, something told me, from in me, that I had to stop. It's nothing strong, nothing pushing. There wasn't (isn't) even any emotion attached to it. No great rousing desire, no terrible frustration and pain. But just something to tell me to stop. Hell, what is this? I'd never believe I could do this; to pick myself up in such calmness. I'd thought it would be a full-scale drama, with crying and screaming in the dark. But no.

Maybe it's because my time is up (!). Haha that sounds really ominous eh? Well, I have work starting tomorrow, and I have shit to clean at home. So maybe it isn't terribly surprising that I'm subconsciously telling myself to get up and do what I need to. Effectively, I've ran out of time to waste. If this is the case, at least I'm happy that my body and mind can still do what it must (in the most rock bottom sense, as seen in the past 2 days and today as well), when it must.

One might have called me lazy, or maybe immature (yes you xD), but I'd like to call myself broken. I'd wanted to blog the above line yesterday, but couldn't give a damn and chose to attack Rome and Britannia instead xD But what I meant to post yesterday about "why?" is something I can't fully explain now, so I'd instead talk about it's benefits. I can hear the voices of the broken around me. It's a terrible gift, I feel. Being weak myself, I can empathize with the weak around me. That's really everything I have now. God, if you are out there, you've forced me to trade my pride, anger and hatred for empathy. It hurts, bro. But, I'd never want to return to who I was. So thank you. Thank You, all of you who had to be hurt for me to grow. And sorry. I'm Sorry that I had hurt You. Some wounds can never be healed, but I guess these wounds are the ones which will take you forever in life. I guess some lessons must be learnt by hard. BUT REALLY? I'd rather not have hurt you (gosh, there's quite a lot of frustration I sense in me when I broach this topic :/)

Any way, pros of what happened the past 2 days? I'd learnt how easy it is for a man to let himself slip away. Losing himself, losing everything around him. Now, it ain't merely words, I have an experience. May I take this experience and live life a better person.

I can not believe that I had never wasted my life away so much for such a long time. I'd never had the opportunity to just be all unproductive for such a long period of time. Well, now I did, and I don't see myself having another opportunity soon. That's kinda good, for I still don't trust myself.

P.S. I wanted to make a reference to Shingeki No Kyojin in this post, but the prose didn't give way for it to come. Well, so I shall include it in the Post Script. Well, while it's all fictional, all the drama and action, I'm pretty damn sure that when shit falls on humanity, there will be those who choose to fight, and those who would, naturally, back down and hide. Well, I want to be among those who fight. So I'd got to work my discipline and courage. For being, and knowing the weak, is a gracious gift to be brought to those who fight and win, and I should, in all my capacity, share my empathy with the winners in the world.

P.P.S. I've been avoiding thinking about Year 5 and 6 (especially when Rome Total Warring), so I can't make that post just yet. I shall soon, though! :)

... Scoffs at my hopes, there could be a million things which may happen which may interrupt this desire of mine.