I need a hug

I think i really do...

I am tired... I look into the past & i realise how tough it has been, I look into the future, and i am afraid.

All alone.

No one to call my own.

Tired

sick, I am sick, physically sick, mild fever, body aches, mucus flying around when I cough(which is rather often) damn, lovesick too, simin not online... No SMS either... Gonna sleep early bah... Hope tmr will start of well... (:

yesterday

yes, guys, I was crying in 303 yesterday... But thanks the 2 of u, Cyrus n shuen as well, made me feel better, n good enough to survive math. Heehee, that's so awesome guys! ^^ haha, n thank you cheeseng, for doing mpp both in 303 n at home that time. Thank guys, infinite thanks!!!

Haiz... (:

That's about it for now, just wanna confirm it lah... N thanks u guys (:

love won't keep you full, but love can bring u strength that a full stomach can't. ^^

Watching simin sleeping...

heart

so what if I have u, when I don't have your heart

my life

I gotta live for myself

Legacy

I am a legacy of my mother

She is the woman, and to think about it, human who has impacted my growing the most.

I am a chip of her. Perfectionist, fucked up bossy, yet quiet & solo-istic(if there is such a word), very egoistic, highly sharp & quickwitted. Find excuses for myself that I am always correct, even when externally i choose to give in. I am afraid of failing, yet not worried about screwing things up. Failure is defined as when things dont happen MY way, & things screwed up when things dont go OTHER PEOPLE'S WAY.

& one more thing, rebellious.

Only part of me which follows my dad is that i have a much softer temperment, a much cooler head, which does not give me the right combo.

Its like having a cannonball with not a cannon, but a pistol. All the ammo in the world, but no gun. My enemy at my feet, with a sword up his neck, but without the will to kill.

Bleargh.

A side note, will i be able to kill someone with the person looking straight into my eyes?

Hell i dont wanna know.

Hard life

I choose the hard way, I have been told, & this have been repeatedly drilled into my head, living life the hard way, is the right way to live life.

So much, that i am unwilling to accept an easier route through life. This made sense, at least in the past, but now. It seems not right, to live life the hard way. No, it is right, it always is, but it just seems different now, the determination and perseverance i used to have, not there anymore, all gone. i am now one big lazy sloth.

I rely so much upon others, no one in particular regarding homework, everyone to be precise. Simin gives me much hope.

The only thing i still hold on fiercely, is myself, i wanted to write my entire life story & post it here, but i shall not, its my life, for myself only. & recounting it will make it seem like an understatement, only me myself have lived through it, & no one will understand it as much as i myself do.

I guess its a fear of disappointment. I dont wanna be disappointed in case you guys misunderstood what i have to say. So yea.

This is my life, I am to live it my own way.

God

God is there whenever I reach for him. His existence is bloody obvious in my life. But whenever I do reach for him, i sense a satisfaction & contentment which I recoil against. i never felt such peace in my life, never before.

Issit because this bliss worries me, that with such peace & bliss in me when I accept God, I wont have anymore drive to do anything I ought to, anything I should, anything others expect of me? Can i always rely upon God, when many a times, I am deliberately going against his will?

What am I, a mere man, a boy, what do I know about life, will things get way worst when I grow older, will such peace still be so easily found?

So many uncertainties. If I cannot accept God now, how am I to do that in the future?

(:

All men have a sweetness in their life. That is what helps them go on. It is towards that they turn when they feel too worn out.

Simin, you are that sweetness <3

tired

so tired, lethargy

Friday night, 20:41

Simin is so understanding & accepting... I told her that I removed her from my blog's reader list, & she was not upset at all... All I am worried of is that she was merely lying to me... But since she actually couldkeep it check, I should keep it that way... I guess maybe I should begin trusting her? I should have all the time...

Time, it is easier to find time in some 10 marks physics question then in the real world... Sigh... So much things to do, so much things I wanna do... & many of these things I wanna do, if I don't get to do it, I get so upset & uncomfortable that I can't do what I must do properly. So tired nowadays... I can't go on any forced march anymore... I promised simin I won't either... Guess I should just get by priorities straight & then stick to it.

I need determination, a hell lot of it.

thermo-die

dying dice & dicing die. Thermo-die. Sians, thermodynamics is not as tough as it sounded like, all u need is the key to click n presto... Lottery n luck, dice of death. Zzz, FYI, I am in physics class now... Law of thermal conduction... Heehee, gotta jiayous... Never read b4hand for thermodynamics... Guess I should pay attention in class bah... I need not do so, but I want to. Respecting teachers, respecting myself. Okays, stop. NOW!

Attention

I feel so hypocritic... Listening to both sides of a story can fuzz out the line, but my loyalty is solid. I won't change sides, I won't bloody change sides.

killout

only 3 people can see this blog now. & this number would not rise fast. Hopefully not at all...

I want to write what I want to, not to be restricted by my readers, friends all of u guys are... But if I removed u, I guess I wanna apologize, but bloody hell will I add those KO-ed back in... I guess this apology won't reach those I have blocked. But still...

3, a lonely space of merely 3 people.



What does it mean to be human?

This is enough

I sense and feel you God, you are within reach, hey, I am actually touching you!!! But my hands are holding dearly onto shit, shit I can't let go.

All I have to do is to let go... I'm afriad, God... That if I let them go & reach out to you... You will disappear... & I will be left with nothing...

My faith is in turmoils

blog posting

hahaha, have not been posting... But that can be interpretted in a good way as well as a bad way.

Good as it means I not emoemo

Bad as it means I not free

(: I guess its both bah...

(: