WHY???

Why is this happening? >< Why am I doing this? hai...

WHY???

Why is this happening? >< Why am I doing this? hai...

You

You want it done that particular way of yours, yet you don't tell me how. SO FUN!

You

You want it done that particular way of yours, yet you don't tell me how. SO FUN!

Swords

A relationship is like a sword

A good one is forged in fire, between anvil and hammar

A good one stays in its shealth, prime and ready

But it is not its fault if its wielder chooses not to carry it along.

Let me be your sword, keep me by your side

today

cry x 2

Blew up x 0

Attitude all the time

Livin' on Prayer

Sometimes I wonder why I like this song. Well, its probably because I want my life to be as ideal as it is in this song? 2 lovers living together through tough times, selflessly supporting each other in the name of God. Unbelievable. Beautiful. Bullshit

Unfortunately, now i prefer 烟花易冷.

This is gonna be my last post to you guys, at the end of September Holidays, this blog will be blocked from you guys.

Buhbye the last time. This Gabriel you see will be no more.

Be prepared to see the NEW & IMPROVED GABRIEL SIDIK when schools starts.

I feel noob

sigh... Simin is gonna be chairman of SJAB next year... Or smthing like that... Well... Its bittersweet, quite happy for her: she deserves it... But well... I feel so noob compared to her... >< its like I prolly won't be able to enter SC either because of mum or either I really fail... Then NEA also GG liao... Then I am thinking of giving up mentor representative for Sakthi Ram... Then only left with tennis... My results dropping too... Sigh... Dunno how seh... ):

Why is this happening to me?! Why...

How He Loves

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

Yeah, He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves.


We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.
And Heaven meets earth like an unforseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don?t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way

冲

super busy seh... Short post for today... Just gonna say how much i am in a rush. But nevertheless, i did not regret the time i spent with simin today

I need a hug

I think i really do...

I am tired... I look into the past & i realise how tough it has been, I look into the future, and i am afraid.

All alone.

No one to call my own.

Tired

sick, I am sick, physically sick, mild fever, body aches, mucus flying around when I cough(which is rather often) damn, lovesick too, simin not online... No SMS either... Gonna sleep early bah... Hope tmr will start of well... (:

yesterday

yes, guys, I was crying in 303 yesterday... But thanks the 2 of u, Cyrus n shuen as well, made me feel better, n good enough to survive math. Heehee, that's so awesome guys! ^^ haha, n thank you cheeseng, for doing mpp both in 303 n at home that time. Thank guys, infinite thanks!!!

Haiz... (:

That's about it for now, just wanna confirm it lah... N thanks u guys (:

love won't keep you full, but love can bring u strength that a full stomach can't. ^^

Watching simin sleeping...

heart

so what if I have u, when I don't have your heart

my life

I gotta live for myself

Legacy

I am a legacy of my mother

She is the woman, and to think about it, human who has impacted my growing the most.

I am a chip of her. Perfectionist, fucked up bossy, yet quiet & solo-istic(if there is such a word), very egoistic, highly sharp & quickwitted. Find excuses for myself that I am always correct, even when externally i choose to give in. I am afraid of failing, yet not worried about screwing things up. Failure is defined as when things dont happen MY way, & things screwed up when things dont go OTHER PEOPLE'S WAY.

& one more thing, rebellious.

Only part of me which follows my dad is that i have a much softer temperment, a much cooler head, which does not give me the right combo.

Its like having a cannonball with not a cannon, but a pistol. All the ammo in the world, but no gun. My enemy at my feet, with a sword up his neck, but without the will to kill.

Bleargh.

A side note, will i be able to kill someone with the person looking straight into my eyes?

Hell i dont wanna know.

Hard life

I choose the hard way, I have been told, & this have been repeatedly drilled into my head, living life the hard way, is the right way to live life.

So much, that i am unwilling to accept an easier route through life. This made sense, at least in the past, but now. It seems not right, to live life the hard way. No, it is right, it always is, but it just seems different now, the determination and perseverance i used to have, not there anymore, all gone. i am now one big lazy sloth.

I rely so much upon others, no one in particular regarding homework, everyone to be precise. Simin gives me much hope.

The only thing i still hold on fiercely, is myself, i wanted to write my entire life story & post it here, but i shall not, its my life, for myself only. & recounting it will make it seem like an understatement, only me myself have lived through it, & no one will understand it as much as i myself do.

I guess its a fear of disappointment. I dont wanna be disappointed in case you guys misunderstood what i have to say. So yea.

This is my life, I am to live it my own way.

God

God is there whenever I reach for him. His existence is bloody obvious in my life. But whenever I do reach for him, i sense a satisfaction & contentment which I recoil against. i never felt such peace in my life, never before.

Issit because this bliss worries me, that with such peace & bliss in me when I accept God, I wont have anymore drive to do anything I ought to, anything I should, anything others expect of me? Can i always rely upon God, when many a times, I am deliberately going against his will?

What am I, a mere man, a boy, what do I know about life, will things get way worst when I grow older, will such peace still be so easily found?

So many uncertainties. If I cannot accept God now, how am I to do that in the future?

(:

All men have a sweetness in their life. That is what helps them go on. It is towards that they turn when they feel too worn out.

Simin, you are that sweetness <3

tired

so tired, lethargy

Friday night, 20:41

Simin is so understanding & accepting... I told her that I removed her from my blog's reader list, & she was not upset at all... All I am worried of is that she was merely lying to me... But since she actually couldkeep it check, I should keep it that way... I guess maybe I should begin trusting her? I should have all the time...

Time, it is easier to find time in some 10 marks physics question then in the real world... Sigh... So much things to do, so much things I wanna do... & many of these things I wanna do, if I don't get to do it, I get so upset & uncomfortable that I can't do what I must do properly. So tired nowadays... I can't go on any forced march anymore... I promised simin I won't either... Guess I should just get by priorities straight & then stick to it.

I need determination, a hell lot of it.

thermo-die

dying dice & dicing die. Thermo-die. Sians, thermodynamics is not as tough as it sounded like, all u need is the key to click n presto... Lottery n luck, dice of death. Zzz, FYI, I am in physics class now... Law of thermal conduction... Heehee, gotta jiayous... Never read b4hand for thermodynamics... Guess I should pay attention in class bah... I need not do so, but I want to. Respecting teachers, respecting myself. Okays, stop. NOW!

Attention

I feel so hypocritic... Listening to both sides of a story can fuzz out the line, but my loyalty is solid. I won't change sides, I won't bloody change sides.

killout

only 3 people can see this blog now. & this number would not rise fast. Hopefully not at all...

I want to write what I want to, not to be restricted by my readers, friends all of u guys are... But if I removed u, I guess I wanna apologize, but bloody hell will I add those KO-ed back in... I guess this apology won't reach those I have blocked. But still...

3, a lonely space of merely 3 people.



What does it mean to be human?

This is enough

I sense and feel you God, you are within reach, hey, I am actually touching you!!! But my hands are holding dearly onto shit, shit I can't let go.

All I have to do is to let go... I'm afriad, God... That if I let them go & reach out to you... You will disappear... & I will be left with nothing...

My faith is in turmoils

blog posting

hahaha, have not been posting... But that can be interpretted in a good way as well as a bad way.

Good as it means I not emoemo

Bad as it means I not free

(: I guess its both bah...

(:

Wednesday 2nd

phew, done with Chinese compo... Feel so much lighter now without my mind nagging me about an overdued assignment...

Whee~~~ simin accompanied/helped me with the compo! But feels kinda bad... Like depriving her of one of her only times with the 01 girls... But I have to say it felt way better than doing the compo all alone... Not to mention probably a better result too ^^ hahaha... (:

Then... We played netball!!! Woots! ^^ hahaha, at first was simin, weiqi, aisyah & I playing, but then later Sean Pek joined... Had a blast of a time!!! Super happy to play netball like we used to... Later played with juniors as well... Physically more shiok... But emotionally n mentally, I rathered netball with simin...

Hahaha, did nothin' productive tonite, but tommorrow 2 hours break will be fully busy le... Gotto see miss koo at the last 30minutes... Then probably gonna do work b4 that... Hmm...

Tired now, quite satisfied with today... Just one loose end for today...

Whats with the drama?

hah!

I am feeling hopeful!!!

Wheeeeeeeeeee~~~~~~~ ^^

Hahaha, cheeseng! I'm gonna post more than you okay! 3 posts a day! Morning, halfway through day & b4 going home!
done with all homework I expected myself to finish. Though left with... Chinese compo... Math assignment... Physics notes practice....

Heh! But I'm gonna do all these next week, needa study Japanese now... But realized that next week's quizzes is listening & kanji, so not too tough, I guess my revision for jap will be mainly just for jap, not others...

& dad has signed my council application form!!! Whee~~ having a shit runny nose, but who cares!!! ^^

Cleared my worksheets, split them into various files...
Lost last sem English notes... & kuoxuan's thumbdrive... Waka...

Never mind, I guess u have to either find it, else buy him a new one...

English-wise... Don't care lah...

11:36 iPod touch

listening to William's castle. A song, obviously...

Today was shit. But feeling better now...

Supposed to be a good day, had philosophy dialogue today, was a slight disappointment... But hey! It was still fun, so does not matter... Then later... Was with cheeseng... Super shit with him... Yes you cheeseng... I really disaprove of your current style of doing stuff... But what am I to say, you enjoy it no? And anyway, I guess I'm upset to everything anyone does nowadays...

Then went home, dad smsed me halfway while I'm on the way home... Actually more like when I am at closing presentation... Reminding me that I lost the home umbrella in such a way which made me damn stressed...

Worried all the home... Turns out mum did not dare scold me: I like half-emo to her the other day... But she ended up with her classical lukewarm attitude, whilst dropping hints all over the place... Super bloody effing irritating & painful...

Went for bible study... Not too bad, john lum asked me to join church choir again... I'm like I will ask parents... Even though I knew no hope le... Just asked lor... Mum said stuff like I should not help out as I can't cope... She does not understand that nothing has ever filled me but God... & now... Whatever lor... Still gonna apply for council though...

Overall: today deproved from good to plain shit, with someone saving me at the end... 2 people actually... Thanks dudes...

09:49 8th July

first post via iPod touch...

Being online eats my battery... Not to mention laggi-fies my songs...

Just took sweets from hema... He is actually nice... Just super irritating at times... (:

Looking for peace again... Wah...

How the shit could I lost it just like that... Now... Damn... I'm gonna play netball later must xiaodu...

I don't know how to read you...

Fuck

In school on 1st of july.

Its raining. ohh baby its raining, raining, ohh baby its raining raining. Baby come into me... come in to me...

random... i dunno what to post, or why i even wanna post...

injured my right wrist yesterday... wah... & its still raining... super sian...

Wonder how life would be like without love. Just being friends with everyone... Would that be a better life?

Adagio

Adagio, a beautiful song.

By Il divo or Lara Fabian, either one, beautiful...

But the fact that the Lara Fabian version is in English, i guess that appeals more to me... But the Il divo cover version was also awesome...

Early Sunday Morning... Random... 1.38 in da morn...

Dunno what to post...

Cont.

Needa go offline soon, like more like immediately, pops came out of room, & chased me to sleep...

Zzz. Currently, am reading up on the World Cup teams. Seems like South Korean is the best Asian Representative...

Screw, Koreans again.

Second post of da day/night

Today has been shitty, so have been the last few days, kena nagged by mum almost all the time... Wanna go back to school...


Even when i am all alone in school, i at least have some peace, & not get agitated by my mum scolding me & stuff....


Have been posting on my iPod Touch "notes" dont wanna transfer them over... About that, since my pops got the password, im gonna change it now... Kena he read it & I die big time...

Cant even have time for my ownself... All the time either putting on some retarded face, trying to remember what i have yet to do, or just trying to sleep... Zzz, or pretending to sleep...

Now just chilling it off at the couch, though i needa

Mix feelings

Posting this song first...

The original "Johnny, I hardly knew ye"


While goin' the road to sweet Athy, hurroo, hurroo
While goin' the road to sweet Athy, hurroo, hurroo
While goin' the road to sweet Athy
A stick in me hand and a drop in me eye
A doleful damsel I heard cry,
Johnny I hardly knew ye.
With your drums and guns and drums and guns, hurroo, hurroo
With your drums and guns and drums and guns, hurroo, hurroo
With your drums and guns and drums and guns
The enemy nearly slew ye
Oh my darling dear, Ye look so queer
Johnny I hardly knew ye.


Where are your eyes that were so mild, hurroo, hurroo
Where are your eyes that were so mild, hurroo, hurroo
Where are your eyes that were so mild
When my heart you so beguiled
Why did ye run from me and the child
Oh Johnny, I hardly knew ye.


Where are your legs that used to run, hurroo, hurroo
Where are your legs that used to run, hurroo, hurroo
Where are your legs that used to run
When you went for to carry a gun
Indeed your dancing days are done
Oh Johnny, I hardly knew ye.


I'm happy for to see ye home, hurroo, hurroo
I'm happy for to see ye home, hurroo, hurroo
I'm happy for to see ye home
All from the island of Sulloon
So low in flesh, so high in bone
Oh Johnny I hardly knew ye.


Ye haven't an arm, ye haven't a leg, hurroo, hurroo
Ye haven't an arm, ye haven't a leg, hurroo, hurroo
Ye haven't an arm, ye haven't a leg
Ye're an armless, boneless, chickenless egg
Ye'll have to put with a bowl out to beg
Oh Johnny I hardly knew ye.


They're rolling out the guns again, hurroo, hurroo
They're rolling out the guns again, hurroo, hurroo
They're rolling out the guns again
But they never will take our sons again
No they never will take our sons again
Johnny I'm swearing to ye.



Zzz, With your drums and guns and guns and drums

Sad song... Pretty obvious lyrics i guess... The poor dude, Johnny, lost pretty much his entire life in the war in sri lanka, Came home & his wife is disappointed with him...

Today

The Weather is werid. Plain weird. Rain. Sun. Rain. Sun. Rain & Sun. Cloudy. Sun. Screw it. not gonna record any longer... But this kinda weather seems to liven the animals... Seeing more birds today as well... Or maybe its just because im actually watching the weather that i see the birds... & saw a squirrel as well!!! Hahaha, Nothing to do. No one to talk to.

FB-ing quite often. So much that Yos actually said i no life... zzz, possible true... How interesting, that ppl often criticize others, & dont find a single fault in themselves. While others just plainly criticize themselves for every bloody thing bad happening, like the weather, or maybe even an accident thousands of miles away...

Gar... Dont wanna post le. Post later tonite, or when i have the mood.

Hmph

Last exam over...

Nothing to post. No emotions. MPP

Day -1 of exams

Wow... I think this would be correct now... Exams are tmr!!! 12+ le...

Gambatte everyone... I hope i dont die so bad...

Still got Chi Hw, got History Hw, got Jap hw... Sigh... Today gonna finish Jap n Hist, tmr chong chinese n put it in Sions pigeon hole... Bleargh

Monday

Exams this week. WOW. No pressure yet... Actually got, but not doing anythign about it... Gonna do other work le...

Tired... Was not feeling well... Emotionally, the entire day... But better now... Gonna focus on work... Then go sleeep....


I MISS AWESOME SLEEPS!!!!!!!!!

Screw this weekend

1 week before exams... Feel fucked up... No way near good... Haiz... No more fire... Has been pretty obvious for so long... But only realised it now...

Why have u forsaken me?

Day I dunno

Did my japanese oral test yesterday...

Screwed it up a lot... Have not been posting recently... Damn busy nows...

Not gonna post much.. The feeling that this yr is life-less is now stronger than never...

Haiz... A Song for this post...

以父之名

微涼的晨露 沾濕黑禮服 石板路有霧 父在低訴
無奈的覺悟 只能更殘酷 一切都為了 通往聖堂的路
吹不散的霧 隱沒了意圖 誰輕柔踱步 停住
還來不及哭 穿過的子彈 就帶走溫度

我們每個人都有罪 犯著不同的罪
我能決定誰對 誰又該要沉睡
爭論不能解決 在永無止境的夜
關掉你的嘴 唯一的恩惠
擋在前面的人都有罪 後悔也無路可退
以父之名判決 那感覺沒有適合字
就像邊笑邊掉 凝視著完全的黑
阻擋悲劇蔓延的悲劇溫?琩I醉

低頭親吻我的左手 換取被寬恕的承諾
老舊管風琴在角落 一直一直一直伴奏
黑色簾幕被風吹動陽光無言的穿透
灑向那群被我馴服後的獸 沉默的喊叫
沉默的喊叫 孤單開始發酵 不停對著我嘲笑
回憶逐漸延燒 曾經純真的畫面
殘忍的溫柔出現 脆弱時間到 我們一起來禱告

仁慈的父我已墜入 看不見罪的國度 請原諒我的自負
沒人能說沒人可說 好難承受 榮耀的背後刻著一道孤獨

閉上雙眼 我又看見 當年那夢的畫面 天空是濛濛的霧
父親牽著我的雙手 輕輕走過 清晨那安安靜靜的石板路

那斑駁的家徽 我擦拭了一夜 孤獨的光輝 才懂的感覺
燭光 不 不停的 搖晃 貓頭鷹在 窗欞上 對著遠方眺望
通向 大廳的長廊 一樣 說不出的滄桑
沒有喧囂 只有寧靜圍繞 我 慢慢睡著 天 剛剛破曉



Haiz...

榮耀的背後刻著一道孤獨

Day before Open House

YESTERDAY WAS EFF-ING LOUSY!!! Whole body was aching before japanese class... N then during jap itself screwed up my vocab quiz... Not to mention being late for japanese class by like 20 minutes. Felt no better after japanese... More feverish, & aching even more... After that, 1 hour slack before physics interest group first meeting & testing of demo... Only to result in much more aching down my back & legs... Left for home early, & across entire trip, was super uncomfortable... quite surprised & saw the drink stall auntie & uncle of Henry Park. Haha, actually went to say "hi", lucky they never talk much back, if not would have gg-ed real bad.

When i reached home, tried to act normally. Failed real bad... Took not long for mum to realise I was sick, & she immediately got me to sleep, n told me i aint gonna go school today... was like sian, but was so tired that i did not care n just slept... T

Today was much better, though still a little aching... But finished jap homework & gonna do chinese now...

Hope i can go openhouse tomorrow

Today

Nothing much... But today was a good day! Was nowhere near sad or dreadful when heading home...

But to think about it... MPP meeting today felt damn lousy, not to mention everything before it... MPP discussion was well, decent... But we spent half the time revising what we had done... Was so close... SO close to shouting at miss Chua... But i guess she did it for aceptable reasons... no one would be to blame to think that our MPP group have not been keeping in contact... So much things more to do for MPP... & so little time... Wonder if we can decently pull-through.

Haha, then got Math make-up... Was rather decent, got my math ego boosted! Solved 3 proving questions with no help at all! WHEEE!!!! Haha... Then afterwards went down canteen & was asking Simin math... N finally got some hang of most of the chapters... But still have much practicing to do before the examinations.

Then Gui popped up! Haha that cute little joker... So long have not talked to him yet... Haha, but then chose to go home early... Not exactly regretting leaving Gui, but then later sion was like "sly stare" at me when she saw Simin n i at the busstop...

Haha, gonna work on Math tonite.. N if can finish, will do math filing also! Hopefully can finish all today... As well as studying japanese. So I have all the time in the world to do Chinese compo b4 jap. HaHaHa.

Exam closing in...JIayous for everyone!

CHEMISTRY!!!

WHEEE!!!

SCREWED CHEM UPDOWNLEFTRIGHTCENTER!!! zzz, first question made me lose all my confidence.. Not a single ounce of confidence left after that... GOT SOOOO STRESSED!!!!! All the easy questions so stress... All the tough questions like see wanna cry like that sia... I think this time only get 20 sia....

SO many things on my mind recently... SCREW MPP ><
LSM... Sry for doubting u...

Confidence is more important than knowledge.

Day 2

Bleargh...



Thursday today... Screwed up my japanese vocabulary quizz.... but not as bad as normal... N since i did study my best... NO GUILT AT ALL!

ZZZ... 10.26 now... not very tired... But heavy hearted... dunno why.. just thinking about non-happy stuff & negative stuff...
Sigh... But dont want to sleep, lying on my bed only makes it worse....

Stay cheerful

Day 1

Hmm,

day was a norm, yet head is an epic ache.

shall keep this short n sweet

Today was quite irritable at times... T & D was lame... Brendan was being asshol-y(get the pun?) Tired... Sickly... Neutral Mood...

BUT DINNER WAS AWESOME!!!! not the food... But we actually talked.... Though depressing stuff about my mum n sis emoing... Still, better than cold face throughout... Haha, but it got much better to the end... Was talking about my grandaunt... Who suicided at my manyue...

But still... Death...

What you miss of a person when he is long gone is not the person himself... But the things he would & could do if he was still around...

I am really bored...

Bleargh


I am way bored, hence I made a blog... but nevertheless since its here... Let's try to make this blog decent...